Stage of Grief
by Itstartwithasmile
Summary: AU set during 3x02. Leg cut open soak into toxic water ? The doctors did the math. Jane and Maura would have to deal with the consequences.
1. Chapter 1 : Guilt

**First of all, i'd like to thank properly my friend (i'm lucky enough to be able to call her my friend) and beta : shallow-sea-we-sails ! Thanks to her, that story isn't full of my crappy english. Thank you for your time and support ! Means a lot =D **

**And now, the story :**

_[Jane POV]_

_..._

_I wouldn't leave her._

A car crash, a shooting, an escape through the woods and becoming an impromptu surgeon wasn't her idea of how their trip would end.

Nor the part when the bad guys caught up with them and she had to surrender, or being stuck in a car on the verge of drowning in toxic water.

Nope.

That definitely never crossed her mind. But it happened; with her best friend no less who was delirious with fever cause by her injured leg; the same leg she had to cut open.

She stills hear those screams. She just has to close her eyes, and the cries and the pain are all but too present.

Luckily, through her delirium, Maura was still a genius. And when her phone had decided to show signs of life, she had been able text Korsak their position. By the time he arrived, she had freed herself and was cutting on Maura's seatbelt.

They hopped out of the woods. Maura finally collapsed near Korsak's car. They drove directly to the hospital.

And there she was. Stuck in that chair. In the same room since Maura's been out of surgery. She was still unconscious and she didn't know if she wanted her to wake up or to keep sleeping, to bide a bit more time.

Her hands were knitting together in a silent prayer. She just wanted her to be okay. To be fine. But would she? Would she be fine when she wakes up and see's? When she wakes up and understand what have been done ? What she has done ?

Head in her hands, Jane Rizzoli was praying. For her best friend. For her health. For her forgiveness.

Then she heard a grunt.  
She snapped up.

" Maura ?"

Nothing. Just silence again. Just when she thought she had dreamt it, she heard it again.

"Jane.."

It was a tiny whisper, but that was all it took.

"I'm here. I'm right here."

She leaned forward and grabbed her hand so tightly she was afraid she break it.

...

The doctors came in. They did the talking. They explained why they had to cut it off. And she just sat there, elbow on her knees, clutching at her own hands, her head down against them. Trying to disappear. It doesn't take a genius to come up with the equation: leg, cut wide open, soaked in toxic water equals a really bad infection and ultimately the loss of said leg. That leg Maura really liked. That leg she, Jane, had cut open. If she hadn't, if she had said no to her, that leg could have been saved.

But now, it's too late. It's gone. And she was responsible for it.

Maura didn't say a word through all the process. The doctors left the room and the silence fell again.

She didn't dare to look up. She didn't dare to face up reality. To face up her friend and what she had done to her. She was so afraid.

She didn't know how long they stayed like this but finally Maura spoke again.

"It's okay."

Still a whisper. A strangled one.

She tightened her jaw.

"It's okay."

She said it more firmly, with more confidence.

Finally, Jane decided to look up and she saw her, staring at the ceiling.

"It's okay. I'm alive. It's okay. It's gonna be all right... right ?"

That was the moment Jane lost it. Her head sunk down in her hands. Her evil battered scarred hands. The same ones that did this.

She didn't see Maura looking at her. She didn't see what she was seeing. Trembling shoulders, muffled cries, under a curtain of dark hair. She didn't know how this vision brokes Maura's heart.

"Jane..."

She called her.

Her shaking doubled. Her voices seems so little. So fragile. And it was her fault. She knew by it that Maura was on the verge of crying too. That didn't make her turmoil better.

"I... I need a... minute. Just give me... a... minute."

Jane muttered through her hands.

She had to be better than that. She had to be tougher than that. She needed to calm down. To be there for her. If she wasn't so deep in her own living hell, she would have chuckled by the thought that crossed her mind. "Take a deep breath. Relax" Maura's soothing voice filled her. Her yoga teaching voice.

It seems like a lifetime ago.

But she complied. She tried to take deep breathes one at a time. And finally, she calmed herself down. Her shoulders stopped trembling. She lowered her hands, putting them calmly on her knees. One more intake and she finally looked up.

And what she saw, she almost couldn't took it.

"Oh Maura."

She launched herself out of that chair to sit on the bed and wrap her arms around her. To hold her like her life depend on it. Like their life depend on it.

"I am so sorry."

She apologized in the crook of her neck.


	2. Chapter 2 : Denial

_We are friends again._

A car crash, a shooting and an escape through dark woods with an injured leg wasn't something Maura Isles would have thought could happened on that trip to collect samples. She saw the danger and alerted Jane right away. They were on their way but the list of events happened and now they had to hide and flee. But she couldn't take it anymore. The pain was too much. She had to stop, and with Jane's help, her boots were out of the way and she understood why she couldn't go further.

Compartment syndrome.

She had to open her leg to let go of the blood in order to save the damaged limb. She didn't have time to waste. Convincing Jane was a little harder than she thoughts but the urgency of the matter helped. She told her how to proceed and prepare herself for the incoming pain. She misjudged how high that would be and lost consciousness quickly.

The rest of the day went in a blurr. She remembered some moment, like flashes but nothing coherent.

The next thing she did consciously was to wake up. White ceiling. Sore throat. She tried her voice but failed. She took a glance around and while her brain located her in an hospital room, her heart went straight to :

"Jane."

Still unused and strained voice but the results were there. She saw her lift her head and watched her. Instantly, she felt her hand upon her own. That felt good. She felt reassured. If Jane was here, with her, she didn't have to worry.

...

The doctors came by shortly after, checking on her. Vitals, files, asking a couple of questions. Jane went back to her chair, a little far from her. From the corner of her eyes, Maura saw her hiding under the curtains of her untamed hair. It was like she blocking herself from her.

It hurt.

Maura gave back her attention to the doctor. They were talking nonsense now. Something like "complication", "bad infection", "we had to cut it off", "we are sorry."

She was perfectly fine. Minus her sore body, she was healthy. Cut off her leg, it was ridiculous. She could move her toes. See ? Like...

Maura went blank. Pale. With her right foot, she tried to reach out for her left one and find found emptiness. She looked down and didn't see the bulge under the cover, like it did for her right limb.

She froze.

She didn't remember the doctors leaving the room. She didn't remember laying on her back again. She was just stared at this white ceiling.

She felt a tear running down her cheek. She didn't care. She couldn't comprehend how this was happening to her. Yesterday, she was perfectly fine - if you put aside the fact that her best friend shot her biological father, and learned that they she would do it again if confronted to the same situation.

Then to be put in front of her own grave. Maura Doyle's grave. Like she was already dead. Like all her life was just a big fat lie. What was the point in all of this ? And then, she was lying on that hospital bed, one leg missing ? How could her life be so wrecked? So senseless ? Maura didn't, couldn't nor wouldn't understand it.

"It's okay."

She dismissed all of it. She choose to.

"It's okay."

She had to say it. She had to convince herself. Her voice sound strangled but that was a start.

"It's okay." she tried again with more confidence.

The more she would say it, the more she could convince herself.

"It's okay. I'm alive. It's okay. It's gonna be alright... right ?"

She looked at Jane, searching for approval. She would tell her that everything would be alright and that they would get out of this bad situation in one piece and... The tears started to flow freely on her cheeks.

Jane was crying. She was trying to hide it in her hands but the trembling shoulders and muffled cries tipped her off. More than anything that her brain was trying to make her cope, that vision hurt her like a truck. If Jane, her solid rock, her standing ground, was collapsing like that, it was all over. That was it. That was real. All of this madness was real.

Maura tried to reach out for her. Her hand tended towards her. She wanted her. She needed her. But she was too far away.

"Jane..."

She called for her. But it seemed that her calling only made it worse. Maura saw Jane breaking. Her pain and her cries came harder. That vision broke her heart more than it was already. Maura was now crying fully.

"I... I need a... minute. Just give me... a... minute." Jane responded to her, when her voice was strong enough to carry her words.

And Maura obeyed. Her hand land back on the cover, lifeless. Her head still turned towards Jane. She couldn't move anymore. She had lose the strength. She watched Jane suffer and she couldn't do anything about it. She wanted to, but she was stuck. Her own body wasn't hers anymore.

Maura didn't know how long it took to Jane to recover. She had lost the notion of time, but she felt as if it was the longest minute of her life. Something close to that time when she had to watch her shoot herself to get rid of Bobby Marino. It was the same feeling, the same hurt. Like losing a part of herself.

Vaguely, she saw Jane lifting her head up.

"Oh Maura."

One second, she was in that chair, the next, she was all around her, holding her tight.

"I am so sorry."

Jane apologized in the crook of her neck.

Maura felt numb in her arms. Then she was surrounded by all of Jane. Her scent, her strength, her beating heart against her own. Maura caved in.

Slowly, she put her arms around her and surrendered.


End file.
